she tastes like self destruction [entries|friends|calendar] sabrina_ INFO && FRIENDS && CREDIT [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

five fucking days... [20 Dec 2005|09:07pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | brand new ] its christmas time again, and its so uncomprehendable to me how 'unspirited' i am this year. it makes me feel cold - hearted, yes, but also so lost from that comfortable childhood i thought i grew up in. this time of year always had me in a bubbly, excited state, and now all i want to do is sleep it away. sleep this whole damn winter away. i was thinking too, since i have such a ridiculous health class to sit through ever day - that health, and my teacher, mr. ucci really piss me the fuck off. he sits up on his damn chair for 40 minutes and tries to 'teach' us about 'problems'. i dont understand how he has the nerve to try and teach me about 1. anorexia in the least, and 2. depression. he told us symptoms in adolescence with anorexia, and i wanted to fucking storm out of the room, because he was so off. i bet he doesnt know ANYONE who's ever suffered, much less had a friend die. when he has to expirience that, the trauma, then maybe he can begin to explain 'how to help a friend'. and for the depression, well, having mr. ucci try and describe it, with an unapproving attitude and tone of his voice made me feel like shit, and demonically wish that something terrible happened to him so he knows how it feels to have to conceal pain. fucking off to florida for the vacation - my parents are always looking for ways to trap me and kill my fun. i didnt spend new years with them last year, so of course, im whisked away to another state this year. and yeah, spent the whole afternoon at the er again. fucking ulcer.

woot woot [18 Dec 2005|07:22pm] [ mood | happy ] exactly a month later im updating with my sweet sixteen pictures! it was an amazing night, and everyone looked beautiful. ill update with news about the rest of the month later.*sorry their so big* me and dani ( its )

[15 Nov 2005|09:46pm] [ mood | creative ] [ music | panic! at the disco ] spent 3 hours in the hospital today. my 'ulcer' turned out to be a fractured rib - they were suprised i was walking and laughing all day. it just proves how fucking good i am at tolerating pain. things were a hella lot better today than they were yesterday, im hoping the rest of the week goes smoothly too. i just have to know that talking to people shouldn't be my last resort, but my first option. i made this a while ago of sheer boredness. maybe it will spice up this lame entry. 5post comment

[13 Nov 2005|02:39pm] happy first birthday lj lets not even talk about what a year has done to me.

[10 Nov 2005|10:34pm] ive had the same song stuck in my head for the better part of 6 days.

theres beauty in the breakdown [08 Nov 2005|11:10pm] [ music | frou frou ] sometimes i wish i was just an ignorant fool. then nothing would bother me like it does, and i wouldn't have the opportunity to overthink easy situations. maybe my life is so difficult because my brain is always on overdrive and my heart takes vacations often. do you ever just get that feelings where you don't want to talk to anybody? you don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy, but at the same time you don't know exactly what is wrong. there isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. if you could want anything in the world, it would be to be alone. people have stopped being comforting, and being alone never was. at least when you're alone no one constantly asks you what's wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take, " i don't know. " for an answer. you feel the way you do just because. you hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait. god, im a mess of emotions and conflicts. i burned myself pretty badly by accident today. it didnt leave such a bad scar, and it actually felt kind of nice. burning old skin was like a physical way of burning dead issues. so much work to do, and im such a fucking idiot that i dont decide to start it until now. fuck.

[07 Nov 2005|04:48pm] fuck.

i must have forgotten, im the girl everyone loves to betray. [01 Nov 2005|09:18pm] [ music | dashboard ] something inside me died today. i felt it snap. no medicine, no therapy could ever bring that dignity back. it was like taking a baby and watching it helplessly drown. i cant stop that thing inside of me - the dark flame exposed only in my worst moments. she brings it out in me. the one person whos supposed to create eternal comfort brings out the fucking worst in me. what do i have to hide from except my own self doubt? im drowning in my insecurities and the further she pushes the further i fall. cant anyone help me? wont anyone even try? she screamed, i wrote. i have never felt so relieved in my life. i wrote until my pen ran dry and here i am writing again. but no matter how much i try and get it out, im done for. Goodbye everything i loved - ill see you when someone, anyone decides to catch me. * im just bad actor, stuck with a shitty script. all of my lines are cheap, and the cast is weak. *

[31 Oct 2005|11:00pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | rufio - amazing night saturday, btw ] happy halloween! tonight was amazing. so much fun with so little, i love it. it actually really doesnt feel like halloween, but my childish side tends to take over on holidays like these - at least it gives me some sense of celebration. today in school was cute - props to some amazing costumes. i was kevin fenderline, dri was britney spears and dani was our baby. i though the idea was cute, but i kind of got sick of explaining it. i really wish i had brought a camera though. after school i waited in the fucking dentist for an hour so the dumb fuck could poke me with a needle. funfun. BUT later, me and some pretty cool kids played manhunt, which i suck at but like to pretend i dont. we definatly need to play in school sometime. and i did get a call back for dance team, but at this point it doesnt even seem worth it. i was too bruised up and sore and i really dont think i have the time. dont really fit in with that crowd anyway... birthdaysoonimsofreakingexcited! and while im updating - the progress report on him is that our relationship, or what i thought could turn out to be one is pretty much non-existant. apparently hes 'asexual' according to one of his friends, and just isnt looking for a girlfriend, which kind of sucks because i really did like him. maybe its a sign i need to give up. at least i caught myself early in the game, so i wont even get hurt a little.

remember; misery loves company. [26 Oct 2005|10:33pm] [ mood | pissed off ] found out some fucking interesting news tonight dears, i was fucking betrayed again. this IS the last time you will EVER lie to my face and pretend to be an innocent little bitch. when the world beging to collapse around you again, i wont answer your calls as your last resort, but laugh at you. i pity your insecurity and i hope one day this all catches up to you. i dont know why ive been blinding myself to the truth theyve ALL been trying to tell me, because their right - your a fucking whore.

[24 Oct 2005|10:04pm] watch this if you have any appreciation for ballet, its fucking amazing. http://www.koreus.com/files/200407/pub_isenbeck_ballet.html

joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of best friends [21 Oct 2005|06:13pm] [ mood | meajif;aifeaheaaaa ] [ music | haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh ] kind of sucky day - an amazing amount of fights in our school, you'd think one of them would be about something of essence, but no, not in harrison. i came to school pretty late, and caught the tail end of one. everyone was like 'omg! how could this happen!' and im laughing. ive actually been laughing at a lot of innappropriate times lately - i know im gonna get screwed sooner or later. so much to do, so little time. i need to think of valid excuses to get out of obligations soon. and god knows im an awful liar. but what the fuck, ICE SKATING TOMORROW! got locked out of my house today for something like 2 hours, thank god for dri. i dont have to go to fucking dance for a while,so i gave kiki a mohawk. this weekend is going to be really fun, im so exited. joe sarv comes back to visit tomorrow, and i think im gonna be hanging out with some pretty cool kids. and fuck the damn math test i failed AGAIN. my average is probably like a 47 now.

the garbage truck beeps as it backs up & i start my day thinking about what ive thrown away. [11 Oct 2005|11:06pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | incubus - yeah jesse you got me infatuated ] starting over - fresh, new, naive. its a month and a half in, although it feels like we never had a summer in the first place. Our school is already flooded with drama and gossip, breakups and new couples, parties, and liers. My schedule is as full as usual, and I dont have time for it all. I need to eliminate whats not important, but first i need to figure out what really is. There is a thin line between 'relaxing' and 'wasting time' and i think ive crossed it. There's also that line between 'being active' and 'pushing to far', and i think ive crossed that one as well. im taking creative writing this year, and i really feel like its opened me up. im not as articulate as i would like to be, but im working on it. im also taking art - suprisingly fun - but i'm way too in touch with my ghetto side. No joke - in art we discuss who's more hood: the kid who's from brooklyn or the kid whos got 'spankin new sneaks and is goin to razzous this weekend yo. my couz is from brooklyn - we sum of da blood brothas'. oh god. i feel like ive met a lot of new people this year, which is never bad. some kids from last year i would never have approached are now some of the funniest kids i know. thank god i got my head out of my ass. i also feel like ive 'reunited' with some people from last year. its good to start with a clean slate, and i hold no grudges, i just have trust issues. as of two weeks from tomorrow i am going to therapy. after screaming at me once again, my mom told me she had made the first appointment and 'all my privilages' were to be taken away if i didnt go. whatever, let her think she's won. talking to someone i dont know may not be all that bad. i need someone to vent to about stupid things anyway. its too late, the psats are tomorrow and i havent eaten in 12 hours. goodnight.

bye-bye [24 Jun 2005|10:24pm] [ mood | i hate goodbyes. ] [ music | emanuel ] correction: i will miss MOST of you. everyone have an amazing summer, we have had such an amazing year. dont un-add me, because i will definatly be back with lots of crazy stories to share with you!

[16 Jun 2005|12:15am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | and my back has been breaking, fromt his heavy heart. ] ok, so can someone explain this to me? i used to be able to tell him everything, and now were barely able to keep a conversation going. its a struggle to even try and ask him how his night was. He used to stay up until one in the morning with me, and we'd just talk, usually about nothing, but he knew that when he had a problem, or a dumb crush, he could tell me about it. now, i feel like im the last person he would go to, and it hurts. did i push too hard into his personal life? did he start to feel too comfortable around me? did i change? i thought we were on the same playing field, but i was obviously wrong. [edit]: please stop fucking asking who all my entries are about. if i wanted to specify, believe me, i would have.

[15 Jun 2005|06:28pm] [ mood | study!study!study!study! ] [ music | alk3 ] i owned on my final today. mommy's gonna be so proud. i love how i can talk to you, tell you exactly what im feeling and not have to worry about you getting pissed off at me. i love your face when i tell you ive done something wrong, and no matter how bad it is [cough, cough] you always help me get over it in the end. i love how i can ask your honest opinion on something and get it straight up. i love how we can pretty much be thrown in an empty room, and have an amazing time. thats what a best friends for i guess. ♥ yeah, so i was going through some pictures on my computer. enjoy: ( im two quarters and a heart down )

so take your cold, cold heart and drown; and dont forget to take big breaths [14 Jun 2005|09:41pm] [ mood | fneiaw;pjhda ] [ music | the acadamy is... ] schools out. studying for finals now dominates my life, how wonderful. you know, i really do feel bad for you. you think your accomplishing something, but all your doing is drawing unwanted attention towards yourself. you must have amazingly small amounts of self-confidence if you think by acting like a moron people will like you better. yes, i know its hot out, but that really shouldnt be an excuse to wear disgustingly small clothing - especially for those of you who have nothing to flaunt. please, nobody wants to see your rolls, so keep them covered. thank you. camp - just 11 days away. its unbelievable how not ready i am. not only am i completely out of shape, but im scared im not going to meet anyone i like. so much has changed from last year at miami. last year i was overly outgoing, and actually eager to meet new people. this year i could care less. i have no interest in meeting more fake, rich, suburban kids who do ballet souly for their college application. i want to meet someone so crazy, so spontanious, so careless that they would spend days just lying in the sun on the grass with me. and no, i will not write to you at your camp. ill call you if i like you, and ill answer my phone most of the time. today, i went shopping with my mom after school in another country - the galleria. i swear white people are going to be a minority in this country in a few years. we better stop making fun of all the mexicans, because they are going to rule us one day. just you wait... well be cutting their lawn. im sorry this is such a long entry. i love these pictures, my mom took them a few years ago. theyre attractive in a unique way. ( near )

[07 Jun 2005|10:30pm] whos up for a double homicide? killing reap and sheffield?!

[02 May 2005|09:05pm]

my heart dropped to the floor. could you pick it up for me? i swear ill get out the stains. [01 May 2005|06:10pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | bright eyes&the faint ] its been about two weeks since i even looked at my lj. it was a nice, much needed break. im thinking im going to make this journal public from now on, see how things go. i feel restricted from what i want to say anyway. the last two weeks a lot has happened. it was a lot to comprehend at one time, but i finally think ive found an upside to all my anger. i spend so much time being mad at people, i end up aggravating myself. im going to stop judging people by superficial things, and stop looking at them in ways i would hate to be seen in. im not going to dislike them because of their reputation, but instead make my own decision about them. one thing i hate about myself, is that i rush to conclusions. and half the time, what i believe is wrong, and my bias opinion does absolutly nothing for me. im going to give every irritating situation a second look, and make sure im seeing it the right way and from every possible point of view. im pretty sure im not the only one who would benefit from that anyway. i also recently realized that i spend so much time complaining, i take away from what the real situation is. i know im always bitching about going to dance, and how i hate it, but im going to stop. im actually very good at ballet, and i should be proud, and strive to get better. not hold myself back because of a lack of a social life on friday nights. same with school. im going to try and do well, because by slacking off, and barely making honor roll, im not hurting anyone but myself. it makes me even more angry that i wasted pretty much this whole year, and got by fine by doing absolutly nothing. i think im slowly realizing the kind of person i want to be.. spontaneous but contained, sucessful, carefree, outgoing, and really imprudent to what other people think. i want to feel more individual, and not so attached to the need to always be with someone. im glad im finally coming into my own.

well if i ripped your heart apart at the seems, maybe then you'd know how i feel [15 Mar 2005|07:56pm] [ mood | *(&%^$%#&(*@!# ] [ music | <3 the spill canvas - all hail the heartbreaker <3 ] not much point in updating right now, because everyone else has already said what i feel. its wierd, though. how everyone is thinking/ feeling the same things at once. im so frustrated with life, school, friends, guys, dance, just everything. after school, my mom drove me home, and i got the mail. first letters on the pile? two "information packets" to horace mann and riverdale. at first, i wanted to KILL my mom, be we seriously talked, and maybe transfering isnt the worst thing, or at least to consider as a possibility if things keep getting worse. i dont know how many more mexicans, fake ghetto white boys or just plain idiots i can handle. *this is probably all pms talking anyway.* i like him, then i dont like him, why cant i make up my fucking mind. nows the time, but it doesnt seem like the right one. im just going to end up hurt again. xoxo [edit: im not leaving, probably never will, and i dont REALLY want to. im just in a bad mood.]

[07 Mar 2005|03:24pm] [ mood | wo-wo-wo-wi-pop! ] [ music | brand new ] i really want to join a community.. any suggestions? thanks! <3 4post comment

[23 Feb 2005|07:52am] *comment to be added. 12post comment

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